The bloody blonde Scandinavia

(article in Tabula Rasa, in regular feature 'Through My Eyes')

Scandinavia consists of Norway, Sweden and Denmark. What do you know about Scandinavia - and why should you know anything or even care? Well, I come from Norway, which is the very best country in the world to live in according to the UN. That's why I feel like laughing when I get a popup saying 'Win a Green card - become an American'. HAH! Over my dead body! While it’s true that I have left the mountains, that’s merely because I got really tired of those long cold winters! True as can be, I longed for the sun and I was tired of the little town I was living in. Norway has few people, so I also wanted more culture, more everything. So why did I choose Australia?

About you Aussies
I have wanted to see this strange up-side-down-under land for many years. I thought of it as exotic, and I still do after a big trip from Brisbane through Alice Springs and all the way to Broome. I love it and I'll never regret choosing it over any other English-speaking country. My first impressions were that Aussies are very friendly in that ‘British’ way. Even in public service-offices you smile and ask friendly questions. Hmm, this might say more about Norwegians than you. The point is that many things are backwards here for me, like driving on the left side of the road, saving water (it rains a lot in Norway), Christmas is hot and the stars are different. I also love the fact that Melbourne is very multicultural. I get my junkfood from the Greeks next to the little Chinese kiosk with the friendly family who always ask questions. Fantastic! I have learned a lot about Australia since I came here, and some things are negative. Being Norwegian I got a bad vibe from you after the Tampa-incident. Very bad form of your country! And just like Norway – you are trying to become Americans. Wanna-be Americans. Stop it at once! Be yourselves, you have the most unique country in the world, and you seem to be mixing a lot of ethnicity together without many problems. Just take better care of the aboriginals.

The bloody Viking heritage
Enough about you, back to me. I have asked around and tried to find out what people know about Norway and/ or Scandinavia. The answers were 'cold', 'beautiful', 'fjords', and 'midnight sun', 'northern lights' , 'Vikings' and 'blond girls'. All of which are true, of course. Some of us even have glaciers close to home, brrr. You should also know about Kurt Nilsen who beat your Guy Sebastian in World Idol (we are all amazed and proud of our little blond hobbit).
However, I am not blond, I don't ski and I do not boat around in any fjords on a daily basis. Just like Aussies don't have crocodiles for pets. The Scandinavian society is very modern, rich and high-tech on one side, while on the other side we have fishermen and farmers (like any other fisherman and farmer: down to earth, complains a lot about the weather and don't like politicians), some 'crazy' people who live on small islands far up north and Sámi-people who own reindeers. Sweden I think is to blame for the 'stupid, blond and slutty' -girl image. However, being Norwegian I must agree that Swedish people are very stupid. They are twice as many as us and they have a lot more sun (since all the rain falls on our side of the mountain-range, dang it) so we Norwegians tend to feel that Sweden is our bigger brother. Danish people are very hard to understand because they speak with a potato in their throat. They live in this very flat tiny country and drink a lot of beer (Skaal!). But mostly, Scandinavian people are very similar. I will mostly tell you about Norway, obviously, since the information I have given you about Denmark and Sweden is clearly lacking and coloured by our friendly rivalry. Norway contains about 4,5 million people, is 'ruled' by King Harald V and Prime Minister Kjell Magne Bondevik (who also is a priest, if you can believe it). We have rejected becoming a member of the European Union (EU) twice in referendums but are members of the NATO. We have the honour of handing out the Nobel Peace Price since we have not started any wars in modern times.
However, a thousand years ago we had not yet fully formed our countries and were busy terrorizing Europe and beyond. Blonde, burly and brutal, hungry for loot and land: that is the stereotypical image of the Viking. It's not quite accurate, it was a society of farmers (much like the Rohan horsepeople in the Lord of the Rings and it changed with time. The Vikings gave up paganism (Thor and Odin and stuff), adopted Christianity (after some 'persuasion' with the sword) and often assimilated into the local cultures they encountered and often conquered. The Viking heritage is a part of all the Scandinavian countries plus Iceland. We can (somewhat) easily understand each other’s languages.

The black Oil & music
Only Saudi Arabia and Russia export more oil than Norway. We live on the oil while we try to be the environmental friendly country and the all-over good guys. We give a lot of third-world aid without really noticing while complaining about every little thing. In my eyes, the Norwegians are becoming spoiled greedy capitalist bastards. We mostly jump in the direction USA tells us to, and I think we’ll be a member of the EU in a few years. After the Second World War (Norway was occupied by the Nazis) we rebuilt our country and made the welfare system that has made Norway such a great country to live in. Now we are wanna-be Americans, and I cannot understand why!
I feel there is a lot to say about Norway, but that it would be incredibly boring to read about it. It is however absolutely crucial that you know that it is not by chance that Norway looks like an electric guitar! We are the home of Black Metal and other good metalbands like Turbonegro who recently visited Melbourne. Check it out! Also, we love to laugh and have a very raucous sense of humour. Comic books are big in Norway, and I really miss being able to buy good Norwegian comics like Nemi or Pondus. I would recommend getting these imported here! Much better than salmon!